middie8 (middie8) wrote in ihatemyparents,
middie8
middie8
ihatemyparents

its killing me

okay, im not a complainer. but lately, i just really need someone to vent to. 
no, my mom isn't physically abusive. i mean she's thrown things at me before, but thats about it. 
but i honestly believe she's emotionally/verbally abusive. 
Oh, and none of this has to do with my dad. i like my dad. we never fight at all and get along really well.
So anyways. my parents are in the process of divorcing. they've always despised each other and its been really hard because i have to hear everything negative about them from the other parent. in all my life, I've never felt like I've had a stable family. i could go on and on and on about the problems of our family relationships, buts thats not what I'm here for.
I need to know if I'm crazy and over sensitive, or if my mom really is being emotionally abusive. i don't know and i need help.
So, whenever my mom is the slightest bit upset with me, she completely goes off. now, i am quite a quiet person and talking about issues works a MILLION times better for me than being SCREAMED AT in the face. 
my mom has like, anger management issues. she's always stressed because she doesn't like her life and i hate mine too, so us together is just not a good combination. she drinks ALOT and I'm pretty sure she's an alcoholic. whenever she drinks she gets a hundred times meaner.
So she yells at me at the top of her lungs, saying I'm a worthless and disgusting bitch, and that she hates me, and that she doesn't wanna see my face, and that my attitude is repulsive just like my dads.she calls me an idiot, a retard, a freak, she says i need to be in a mental hospital just because i cry when she yells at me. she says i need therapy and she actually forced me to go to it at one point. and she says I'm a slut, when I'm only fourteen, I've never gone past kissing, i don't even have a boyfriend currently, I've only had one before. when i try to say I'm sorry when she's yelling at me she doesn't accept it and she just acts like a four year old and repeats "you're a fucking bitch" in my face over and over so that I don't have any chance to talk.
I used to get so upset when this would happen. Now that I'm getting older, I've been starting to talk back to her, and it scares me. I feel like i really am becoming a bitch, and I'm learning it from her. i don't know what to do.
I get straight As, i have all my life. i have the highest possible GPA you can have. I am passionate about music and sports, i have great friends, (but who are useless when it comes to advice), and i NEVER ask for ANYTHING. my mom says I'm arrogant because i don't thank her ENOUGH for things she gets me. 
Im a really independent person and i love to fend for myself. yes i appreciate my moms kindness but sometimes i feel like she babies me and it annoys me. So apparently, whenever i say 'thank you" to her, its not "sincere enough," and she ends up calling me a disgusting bitch that shell never be proud of. 

Does that sound like she overreacts? or is it just me? I makes me feel like shit all the time. i feel worthless. I'm terrified of her, and i just feel like thats not a healthy relationship. ever since i was eleven I've been having suicidal thoughts and i occasionally cut myself. Ive come so close to killing myself. most of my nights, i beg God to take me away from my life.  I think that a ton of it has to do with my mom. 

Does anyone have advice?
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